Letter to a Lover
by xoxjumpergirlxox
Summary: In lieu of this weeks soul crushing episode, I devised a letter that Tara wrote to Jax explaining her actions and her thoughts. Because if those two actually communicated life would be so much easier.


I own nothing. At all. I flip my shit over $30 in groceries. Kurt Sutter doesn't do that, he just fucks my Tuesday nights up.

Letter to a Lover

"_And if there is one last thing I would have you know before we reach these final pages, it's that sometimes, no matter how hard we try, no matter how hard we want it to be so, sometimes there is no such a thing as happy ending._

This is my ending. This is how I burn."  
― T.J. Klune, _Burn_

Jax,

Walking in on you with Colette was something that should have surprised me more, but honestly at this point I would have been more surprised if you hadn't have been in that room. We've become so distant from each other... The look on your face though is what really set me off, it wasn't as if you were sorry that you were discovered, it was as if you were daring me to do something about it. The swell of rage that encompassed me was something familiar, almost welcome at this point. I've felt that a hundred times over since I was sixteen years old, the fierce possession of this man. Despite all that we've done to each other, seeing you with her was beyond what I could bear. I know that the things that I have done are a direct betrayal of you, but never once have I stopped loving you. That doesn't matter anymore though, it can't.

Our love was all consuming once but those days are long past, and it is not just the two of us anymore. Abel and Thomas, our two beautiful boys, have to be the number one priority and the club reigns supreme in that category. I know that you love your sons, but you are caught between just which sons you want to dedicate yourself too, and right now SAMCRO is winning by a landslide. It is not enough to say that you want the best for your children, you have to do everything in your power to provide it for them. That's all that I'm trying to do here, give my boys the best possible chance to grow up and become good men. All I dream of is that they can experience a childhood free from violence, where they can run and play outdoors and never worry about what cars are coming down the street. I want them to never have to visit their father in jail, and I never want them to wonder where Mommy went again.

Once, I believed that this was possible, in fact I remember many promises made by you claiming that this was your goal. I want you to know that I see that you're trying, I know that you are doing what you can to legitimize the club, but you need to realize what you're fighting against. You're not just breaking free from the Irish, but you're breaking free of your Mother's legacy, and Gemma won't let that happen. You may not believe me at this point, but I need to tell you what I know. Your Dad's death was not a freak accident, it was planned. He also wanted to move away from the guns, but Clay did not agree and neither did your Mother. She didn't kill JT, but she sure as hell gave Clay the permission to do it and she never looked back. This club is Gemma's whole life, and she'll never let you away from it.

You're probably wondering why I'm even bothering writing to write this letter, why I've chosen now to speak on these things. It's because I don't know how much longer I have left in this world, with you and our boys. I'm broken Jackson, a shell of the woman I used to be and I don't know if I can find her again. Being with you is a blessing and a curse, but loving you is killing me and I can't seem to stop no matter what I tell myself. You have torn at my very soul and left me bitter, alone, and desperate. The worst part is that you don't even realize that you've abandoned me. It's like I've become invisible, your head sees me but your heart is blind. I can't even blame you for this either, because I've allowed it to happen. At some point it has just become easier to feel nothing than to feel the pain of loving you. Because I do, I love you so much and I need you to never forget this. Look past my recent actions, and see the woman that you fell in love with so many years ago, and hold onto her because she is desperately holding onto you even if you feel like she is the one who has abandoned you. The woman I am today, a product of this life we live and all that it entails, is unrecognizable and it is she who rules now.

It may seem otherwise, but trying to leave you has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I constantly wonder if what I am doing is the right thing, but I can't change the past and I can only look towards the future, our boy's future. That is what this is all about, Abel and Thomas. One day, I hope that they know of their mother and know that everything I have done is for them. They will ask you about me and hopefully you will tell them of the woman you loved, of how my love for them was so great that I risked it all to save them from a life of pain. Tell them these things if I am not around to tell them myself, and play this song for them every day.

_May your dreams bring you peace in the darkness_

May you always rise over the rain

May the light from above always lead you to love

May you stay in the arms of the angels

May you always be brave in the shadows

Til the sun shines upon you again

Hear this prayer in my heart & we'll ner be apart

May you stay in the arms of the angels

May you hear every song in the forest & if ever you lose your own way

Hear my voice like a breeze, whisper soft through the trees.

May you stay in the arms of the angels.

May you grow up to stand as a man, love

With the pride of your family, & name.

When you lay down your head for to rest in your bed,

May you stay in the arms of the angels

This isn't the life we envisioned, I know, but I have faith that one day you will make the right decisions and achieve all that you dream. I just can't wait anymore….

I will love you all my life and when I die I will still love you through eternity and beyond.

Never doubt.

Tara

A/N: Clearly, this is my interpretation of some things and is only meant to maybe shine some light in on the mindset of Tara. I haven't written in forever, so excuse that aspect. I still have hope for my favorite couples, if only because that's all that I have left…..


End file.
